FINALLY MY FIRST POST AFTER MONTHS OF PROCRASTINATION!!

Hey there readers of my blog! (I feel so awesome and powerful saying that lol) Firstly thanks for browsing through this compilation of stuffz that go on in my brain. After a very, VERY long time procrastinating whether to keep this private or not I've finally decided 2 suck it up & broadcast pieces of my life for the world!

The inspiration to begin blogging stemmed from a very unpleasant up and down scenario pertaining to my health which began in 2008 and lasted up to now.You're probably wondering: WHAT experience is this woman referring to?! Well, you may wanna take a deep breath here cuz the following posts are a lot2digest...i.e : A HEC OF A LOTTA READING!!! Consider yourself warned! lol.

Rewind 3 yrs to 2008, my 2nd year of University and a turbulent one at that, plagued by no, not looming projects, essays and other work related stressors...but a HOST of health-related issues specifically: chronic severe insomnia (as in I'd go WEEKS with ZERO hours of sleep), panic/anxiety disorder (constant anxious feelings and attacks, jittery trembling  nerves, hard pounding heart 24/7, shortness of breath) and of course as the inevitable result of these illnesses, depression.
WHY did this begin? To make an even longer story short: The mind is a very powerful thing...be careful what u put into it...I made the mistake of watching 'The Exorcism of Emily Rose' at a time when my faith was not very strong...Additionally, a friend told me about her evil spirit and how her house had to be exorcised etc...NEEDLESS 2 say my insomnia and anxieties began...Coupled with me not doing anything about it and thinking it would go away on its own...it worsened and became a vicious cycle of anxiety->lack of sleep->anxiety->lack of sleep etc. Eventually I got over the evil thing and strengthened my faith BUT my anxieties about not sleeping at all and never being able to sleep normally again WORSENED. I MUST mention here: I did not take ANY medication for ANY of these illnesses...(I prefer natural alternatives) However I must also admit that after a plethora of doctors assured me that I did not have an underlying life threatening disease and advised me to see a pyschologist, I DID NOT see one till years later (February 2011).  Don't do what I did!! Suck up your pride and seek help if it lasts months and you can't get through it on ur own cuz I thought I could have solved it single handedly and by the time I realized I needed backup, it had worsened which meant my recovery time would be a LONG process.  

My life changed drastically...I went from an outgoing, fun loving, living- life -and- having- fun chic to a very anxious, moody and depressed individual. I know longer knew myself...I had changed for the worst. I became very angry with God, asking Him how he could allow a then-20 year old who seemed to be on the right track, to suffer the way I was. The total lack of sleep and constant anxiety and depression affected everything from my relationship w/my bf (tho he was the main one who pulled me through & was @ my side every step of the way...thx babe <3 ) & family,  to my social life to my academic performance to essentially ME as a person. During that very dark period, I honestly felt like I was dying both physically, mentally and emotionally...I missed so many important milestones including half of my graduation ceremony. I felt like I had hit rockbottom and like I was a failure as a recent thriving graduate, who was now unable to work and go out past 6pm due to severe physical and mental exhaustion. I was no longer vibrant & dynamic Chelsea. I was now Chelsea who was simply EXISTING rather than LIVING...
Somewhere along this difficult path covered in thorns...I found a rose...LITERALLY well kinda lol...I was home outside in my yard feeling sad and crying when I just looked to my empty hibiscus tree I saw one lone beautiful hibiscus flower...and suddenly I saw a hummingbird which is RARE by me...I've NEVER seen one in my yard ever before...IMMEDIATELY I felt like it was a sign...I felt an twinge of hope and eventually I began to believe that God had a plan for me...I stopped wondering 'Why Me?!' ...something had hit me...I refused to continue simply existing & doing nothing with my life!!! I was heading down a downward spiral if I continued like that and was fed up of feeling hopeless and like I was never going to get better. It was like I was waiting for an invitation that would never come so I decided to INVITE MYSELF to get better rather than wait for nothing!

Flash forward to 2011...I finally sought professional help as my sleep issue was killing me (i've seen a pysch twice and she's helped tremedously!) and thanks to God, supportive family, friends and my amazing bf, I am in a way better place than ever before. It is certainly a gradual and very long process (it will take months to years to undo roughly 3 years of anxiety and lack of sleep) and there are nights where I get 3-4 hrs of sleep and nights where I get none at all....but the point is...it will get better. I believe that everything happens for a reason, 'Que sera, sera'. I was meant to go through this very lengthy obstacle to make me a better person and maybe even to reach out to those like me! Whatever the reason, I'm grateful for it because now I appreciate the finer details of life and don't take things nor people for granted. DEPRESSION IS NOT FOR THE LIVING!! You are privileged just to be alive!!!

It was difficult but once I changed my attitude and perspective and began making little changes in my life: (diet,excercise,positive attitude etc),
I began to feel like a phoenix...rising from the ashes! I still have a very long way to go...it's only been about 1 month since things have started looking up & some days r better than others...but though I may stagger, I won't fall again! This experience has changed me for the best and I am truly grateful to have gone through it at such a young age.
Barcollo ma non mollo (Italian proverb-I may stagger but I won't fall.)